An Egyptian Guide To… Driving (Part 1)

I would like to start by apologizing for being gone so long! I have officially become the world champion of indoor… You mean indoor what? No, I’m the champion of indoor… Being indoors! I am the best in the world at not leaving my apartment! Thank you, thank you! Yes it is difficult! You want to go outside and smell fresh air, you want to go for a walk, you want to take your son to a playground, you want to go out to eat, you want to go shopping, but my friends, you fight the urge and stay indoors! That is how you win this title! Or just live in Egypt where the outside is so gruesome you prefer to jump to your death from your 5th floor sand infested dirty balcony…

It difficult to find things to write about when you don’t go out much! But I’ve decided that to fight my fears and go out…. Haha no only joking… I’ve decided to start a little Egyptian Guide… So when I have nothing to write about I will find a topic and give you a little rough guide on how things work here in Egypt… Egypt is one of a kind and you definitely do not want to do things here like you do things in normal countries, or using your common sense. Using your common sense will either get you killed and will send you directly to a mental hospital without passing GO and collecting $200…

I welcome all topics if anyone has any ideas, or would like to know how things work in Egypt, just send me a topic and ill give you the password to deal!

So the first topic is quite a controversial one! Drumroll please…… DRIVING!!!

An Egyptian Guide To… Driving!

• If you can avoid driving in Egypt, please do so….
• In any way possible do NOT attempt to drive in Egypt…
• The end… HAHA just joking!

So seriously I would definitely recommend that you overdose on meds, call the ambulance, go to a PUBLIC Egyptian hospital and then wait for your slow and painful death to start before attempting to drive in Egypt… If you do decide to drive the only difference would be that you don’t have to take meds… Instead you get behind the wheel of any car of your choice and press gas pedal and wait for some crazy-ass Egyptian driver to smash into you, and then the vicious cycle starts… They call the ambulance, you go to a Public hospital and then you wait for your death… Public hospitals will probably be a whole other guide… But yeah you see my point… Driving would just give you a whole lot of unnecessary stress before you die! Why not live a peaceful no-driving-in-Egypt life and die a beautiful death… Okey enough talk about death, but really you can’t talk about driving in Egypt without talking about death… I think everyone in Egypt knows someone who has been killed in an accident, unfortunately… Just to kind of set things into perspective… I saw one accident and was involved in one accident in my whole life until the age of 19. Then I moved to Egypt.. From then on I’ve seen at least 30 extremely serious accidents with dead bodies and about every other day I go out I see an accident.. You do the maths!

Anyways getting waaay to sobby and depressing here now! So if you do decide to drive in Egypt, you have to follow a few rules… HAHAHAHA I’m only joking… In Egypt there are NO rules.. So all the rules ANYONE EVER told you, please forget all of them.. Oh except where the gas and break is situated in the car and how to use it… Oh wait, if you don’t remember this, then no worries.. Half of the people driving are probably not sure which one is gas and which one is break.. Okay so let’s go step by step through how to drive in Egypt… I’ll start with the car…

• The steering wheel is located in front of you. You may want to use two hands, one hand or no hands… That is completely up to you… If you are smoking a cigarette AND answering a phone call you could use your knees to steer the car, or just drive where the flow takes you… Hijabi (veiled) women, Im not sure if you know this, but you have an integrated hands free in your veil. Stick the phone into your veil just above your ear and voila! If you feel the need to go left, just go left… Dont mind what other people around you are doing, they are probably not paying attention anyways…

• The brake pedal is located on the right hand side on the floor of the driver seat… As Egyptians you will use this anytime, anywhere… So your driving and you just remembered you have to buy milk before you go home, then have a little press on the brake! If you see a sexy woman, please press on the brake, to make sure you can stare at her for as long as possible… See a speed bump, force the brake to the ground…. DO NOT HIT THE BUMP at more than 0.5km an hour… Who cares if the guy behind you doesn’t have time to brake, maybe he’s looking at a sexy women, you cannot care about minuscule issues like other drivers, just HIT the brake! You digging your music, why not hit the brake a few times in tune with the music!

• The gas pedal is located beside the brake on the left hand side. This makes the car move forward. But in Egypt it is also known as your anger outlet to the world… depending on how HARD you press this, it shows the world HOW angry you are… Say someone cuts in front of you… This makes you ANGRY… So you swerve slightly to the right or left and you hit the gas with all the anger you have inside you, and you drive like a confused maniac in and out, in between cars, just praying to God you don’t make a fool out of yourself and crash… So you leave this guy who cut in front of you thinking man this guy is angry, see how fast he drove… Everyone around you is sympathising with you and your anger… Always remember that if its crowded, try to drive as fast as possible, I mean you wouldn’t want people to think you’re not angry at all this traffic making you late like usual to meet your friends and drink some Pepsi! Please don’t only drive fast if you have to catch a flight, drive the craziest speeds at the most inappropriate times!

• Windows and mirrors… Side mirrors are not necessary so if you buy a car with this option you might want to remove them… They make parking in tight space extra difficult.. Dont worry there will always be someone around to tell you how to park to make a few pounds… Rear-view mirror, also not necessary because in Egypt you DONT care what the person behind you is doing… BUT if you are planning on becoming a taxi driver, then you might want to add a few thousand rear-view mirrors and make the middle one super-ass long just to make sure you can stare at your client in EVERY single angle possible! Oh and your windows…. You don’t want people to see you driving right, and honestly you probably dont want to see other people driving either, so just cover them with aluminium or some black paint, whatever is cheaper.. If it’s a hot stinky day you might want to open the window and stick your hand out (who doesn’t love a hairy old arm hanging out of a window!) to make sure you get extra sweaty and that all the lovely sand gets in to your car, just to make it look a little bit dirty and used… NO ONE in Egypt wants a clean car… Like seriously that’s so gay.. You have to have a super dirty masculine car, with loads and loads of sand because you come from Egypt where there lived Pharaoh’s with a lot of masculine sand…

• Accessories…. In Egypt there are some must’s you need in your car, or else the motor will not start… One of them is a Quran… YOU have to have one… I think some cars come with an integrated Quran as an option, but please make it visible… You want to rub your religion in people’s faces and make them feel un-islamic for not have a visible Quran in the car… Another thing is TISSUES… OH dear Lord may I never enter a car without a box of tissues… I mean what if Im in the middle of a traffic jam and I get a runny nose?! Hallelujah! The Egyptians have the answer… You MUST ALWAYS have a box of tissues, maybe two if your car is on the large side… The box HAS to be visible…

• Teddy bears… Another things you must decorate your car with is teddy bears… Most people prefer the long one with the alphabet, just in case your driving through Mohandeseen and you suddenly forget what letter comes after T… Dont worry, just check the crazy long teddy bear in the back and you will find your answer! You might also want to just throw a few dirty teddy bears around the car, to make it a little uncomfortable for passengers to take a seat. Any driver with any amount of pride will have both front seats head rest covered with a cartoon teddy bear… You cannot drive through Cairo without a Tweety on the back of your head rest…

• Stickers… Please decorate your car with the most perverted, meaningless stickers you can find on the market… You go to a gym sometime, or even went a few years back, well go back and ask them if they have stickers… then stick it on your car so people can see where you workout or did workout… You like eating, go get a Smileys Grill sticker… That smiley face always makes an Egyptian happy! You like Tiesto or Adidas, well stick it on your car! You studied where? Stick the university name on your car… We can’t have you driving to uni and not knowing which one… Find an old piece of gum and you like the flavour, well stick it on your car… Anything sticky, just throw it on the boot of your car…

• Seatbelt… Sorry I don’t understand… What is a seatbelt.. Oh wait is that the thing that hangs on the side of the door area.. Oh yeah we don’t use those here in Egypt.. They are not masculine enough for the men here who are so tough that when they crash they can hold themselves to their chair with their manly powers! Oh and girls wont use it because it might mess up their outfits… Children don’t have to use them because.. come on!! Seriously, how are you going to make a child sit still? They need freedom, they have to be able to move around in the car… Anyways try to get a cover from any car parts shop and cover all the seats in your car with them to make sure the seatbelts will never be able to be used.. If you wish, you might want to just cut them out, I mean they do look quite ugly… And then when they children play with them, they can get hurt… So the best is just remove them or ask if you can buy the car without this option…

• Horn… Its located in the middle of your steering wheel. Please don’t use the one that comes with the car.. Get it changed, preferably to an ambulance siren or police car siren… Maybe some annoying song from your favourtie movie soundtrack… Its worth the investment of changing it as you will be using it a lot… Now when I saw a lot, I mean all the time… You see someone you know: beeep… Someone cutes you off: beeep… Someone is going to crash into your car: beeep… You get a phone call: beep…. Your going to go left: beeeep… Your getting married: beeep beeep beeep… You want fresh fish: beeep…. You want juice (park infornt of a juice place and…): Beeep… Anytime you feel like it just beeep, it doesnt have to make sense…

Okey this post is getting really long so I think ill have to split it into two parts… I’ll talk about the actual driving in the next guide! Hope this helps.. And remember, do NOT drive in Egypt!!! Hahaha!